


all over.

by LJT



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: (no one important), Angst, Breakup, Clexa, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Minor Character Death, No Lexa/Costia relationship, Roommates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-27
Updated: 2018-04-16
Packaged: 2019-04-13 13:07:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 18,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14112990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LJT/pseuds/LJT
Summary: One night.A bar.Two strangers.But there's more to the story. There's always more.





	1. lonely nights.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so I couldn't sleep and I had this idea in my head and then I wrote it down quickly on my phone. But I still couldn't sleep. Yeah...  
> This is the result. I'm not sure, whether this'll be a one-shot or not or how many chapters this will have. Depends on your thoughts? I've got literally nothing planned out, so leave a comment :) 
> 
> Love,  
> LJT.
> 
> \-----

...

The club is bursting with people, but then again, it's Friday night. Why shouldn't it be? 

Clarke doesn't really care. She's here to get drunk. Laid, maybe. After all, it's been a while. 

_No, not again_ , she thinks to herself.

She's nursing her third Martini by now, eyeing the crowd closely, while she tries to find someone worthy. 

Someone to take her mind of off her miserable life for a night. 

It's not miserable in general. It just... really sucks. At the moment. For months. 

She stares at her phone again. The screensaver. It's black. Just simple black and somehow, she finds comfort in it. 

It's constant reminder, that she's going to get better. If she managed to change it, the painful ache will change, too. Right?

There used to be a picure of two happy people. A selfie, taken on their last vacation. They went to a cabin in the woods, just for a weekend, just the two of them. It was perfect. 

They where perfect. 

Until they weren't. 

And that sucks. 

So it's black, instead of a picture.

"Come here often?" A female voice asks to her left, interrupting her thoughts. 

Clarke turns around to face the woman. She eyes her up and down - black skinny jeans, loose olive tshirt, a tribal tattoo on her upper arm. Tanned skin. Long, chestnut colored hair, that falls over the woman's shoulder like a waterfall. 

She's gorgeous.

"That's the worst pickup line ever." She finally says after a few seconds of staring into green orbs. 

Clarke tries to ignore the immediate ache in her stomach, as she watches a playful smile on perfect plump lips. She hasn't longed for someone like that in a while. 

"It got your attention, didn't it?" The brunette answers with a cocky tone. 

"More or less. But how do you plan on keeping it?" 

"I could buy you a drink."

"I've got that covered, thanks."

"Hm... then I could ask you for a dance?" 

Clarke raises her eyebrows. Somehow, that suggestion got her attention. "You dance? You don't seem like the dancing kind of person."

"Well, I'm full of surprises. And I guess, I could make an exception for a beautiful woman like you." Suddenly the brunette is closer than before, painfully close. Close enough to share the same air. 

Clarke swallows. "Beautiful, hm? That all you got?" 

"Oh, I've got a lot more than that, believe me. If you let me, I'll show you." The brunettes eyes flicker down to Clarkes lips. 

She's got her, Clarke knows it. She feels it. But she feels daring tonight, bold, and she plans on making good use of that. 

She takes a sip of her martini, finishing it, before she licks her lips in slow motion. 

The womans eyes follow the movement closely. 

"Earn it." Clarke then says in a low voice. 

"Dance with me." The green-eyes girl extends her hand and Clarke lets her wait a few seconds, before she takes it. 

There's no shyness, when their bodies mold against each other, as they sway to the electrifying rhythm. 

Hands roam across sides, breath quickens, eyes get darker, body heat rises. 

Soon - all too soon - Clarke is so turned on, that she stops thinking. 

With her forehead leaning against the other womans', she connects their lips in a heated and somehow desperate kiss. 

The brunettes lips taste like tequila and something else, something sweet. 

It's addictive. It's like the first shot of heroine after being clean for months. It's sweet and cruel at the same time - because Clarke knows, tomorrow she will have to go through another cold turkey. 

"Wanna get out of here?" The brunette asks, breathlessly and equally turned on. 

Clarkes words have deserted her by now. She grabs the brunettes hand and leads her off the dancefloor, out of the club and towards a cab. 

Neither girl speaks a word, until they reach Clarkes apartment. 

But even then, it's just one desperate sentence between heated kisses and ripping each others clothes off. 

"Take me to bed, Lex."

And Lexa does.

...


	2. and the bedsheets smell like you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey :)   
> I still haven't got clue, where to take this, but I'm happy about every soul who decides to follow me own this little journey!  
> So here's number 2. 
> 
> Love,   
> LJT.   
> ____

...

_I shouldn't have done that._ That's Clarkes first coherent thought, when she squinted against the sunlight the next morning. 

Groaning, she rolls onto her back. She's hungover and she has barely slept two hours. Definitely not her favorite day, but she's had worse. 

Only that's not what makes her feel sick. 

She doesn't have to look to her right, to know, that she's alone. She feels it. 

Nevertheless her hand wanders across the cold and empty side of her bed, before she rolls over again to bury her head in the pillow. 

It smells like her. She takes a deep breath, pretending everything's alright for a while. 

Somehow, that offers only little comfort, because it doesn't feel like it should. Safe. 

No, instead it feels wrong and even though Clarke is tired as hell, she gets up to change the bedsheets. She needs to get rid of them. Burn them maybe. Erase every trace of the fantastic sex she had last night and even more every trace of the woman. 

God, did she even think before she jumped into bed with her? 

No. Probably not. 

When she's changed the sheets, she showers for at least twenty minutes. Her body aches in all the right ways and places, but she washes it away, hopefully together with the memory of how the familiar body felt against hers. 

She's delusional, she knows. She'll never forget that. 

Half an hour later, she finally emerges from her room. 

She's living with three friends of her since last summer, after a devastating breakup. No, not the relationship kind (though it feels like it). The friendship kind and even though she had it coming, it destroyed her. Sounds exaggerated, but it isn't. 

Lincoln, a tall and muscled guy with the most genuine smile, she ever came across, and a cute white fluffy dog, is an architect. 

Bellamy and Clarke grew up together in the same small town. Homecoming king and queen, though they never were a couple. He owns a coffeeshop with his sister, which they inherited two years ago from her mother.   
The two guys had two spare rooms to rent and Clarke quickly took the offer after needing to move out from her old apartment.   
The fourth roommate is John, but everyone calls him Murphy. He's quiet, but fiercely loyal. He comes from a fucked up family (his words) and he's more of a nomad, moving from town to town, when he feels like it. 

Clarke's happy, she has them. 

Today? Not so much. 

"Good morning!" Lincoln greets her, when she steps into the living room with a kitchenette on the other side of of the large and bright room. 

He's sitting at the table with a newspaper in his hands. An actual newspaper. She still isn't used to that, but Lincoln is an old fashioned guy. 

She mumbles something, which could've been understood as a greeting, if it consisted of actual words. 

Bellamy wordlessly hands her a cup of coffee. Black, tons of sugar. 

"Thanks."

"Figured you need this after your night." He teases. 

Clarkes only answer is an annoyed huff. She should be used to it, but she isn't. 

"I didn't see your conquest leaving after last night. But from what I've heard, it couldn't have been that bad." He continues. 

Clarke blushes, before she recovers. "Are you listening to me having sex, you perv?"

"Pretty much inevitable. That girl's a screamer. And you're not exactly quiet either."

That's not the kind of conversation she wants to have with her brother-like roommate on an ordinary Saturday morning. In fact, she doesn't want to have it ever. But since she chose that lifestyle, she can't actually be angry about these kind of comments. 

"Where did you find her?" 

"Bell..."

"What? Just asking, no judging. It's just... been a while."

Clarke sighs. Her friends are worried. She knows that. But she's a fucked up person and there's nothing, they could do about it. Some people can't be saved. Some shouldn't.

And there's no way in hell, Bellamy can learn about who her guest was. No. 

So she stays silent. 

After breakfast - two more cups of coffee and lots of sugar - she returns to her room. 

It's impossible, but she feels like Lexas scent is still lingering in the air. 

_Lexa._

For a moment, she keeps reminiscing every touch on her skin, every kiss. Until tears of regret fall down freely. 

For a night, she pretended to be someone worthy of love. Now it's over. 

It was selfish. Lexa deserves better. She deserves the world. 

Yes, she approached her and yes, Clarke's been craving for her, but she can't have her. 

She never will. 

She tried to drown the pain in alcohol and to get her out if her head by sleeping around. It didn't work and it won't. So she stopped and she moved on - a little. 

But then last week happened and she's been spiraling all over again. 

Last week, when she ran into the other girl by complete accident after months apart, it felt, like destiny itself showed her its middle finger, shouting: FUCK YOU! YOU DON'T DESERVE HAPPINESS! 

She doesn't. 

She's a disgusting person. 

 

...


	3. the deal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys :) sorry for the confusion. But now I know, where I could take this! I've been outlining a few ideas and this will probably have about 14 Chapters, with different lenghts. 
> 
> This one's a lot longer and it happens five years prior. The following chapters will be in the past, too, as I'll be retelling their lives by important moments. And for those, who noticed the name-hint in chapter 1 and 2 - congrats! :D
> 
> Love,  
> LJT.  
> \----

...

####  Five years ago. 

Clarke knows the drill by now. Either her roommate returns around midnight, claiming that humanity sucks, or she'll return in the morning.

They’ve been living together for two years, since they started college. At first, she was nervous about living with a stranger. But now, sometimes she wishes, Lexa could just be a stranger to her. A stranger – and not the girl who stole her heart.

She hopes, it's option one, so she prepares a movie and puts beer in the fridge.

It can't be option two. Not today.

One would think, that being twenty would set you free from your parents. Wrong. Seems like Clarkes mother discovered motherhood twenty years late.  
But just like always, they got into a fight.

_You're throwing away your life with that nonsense, Clarke._

_I'm not going to put my money into something unrealistic!_

_Art is a hobby, Clarke. Not a profession that pays the bills._

She's heard it all before.

So no. Lexa has to come home tonight.

Clarke couldn't bear to sleep alone, knowing her friend is out there somewhere, fucking an unknown woman.

She stares at the clock. Almost midnight.

She gets the beer from the fridge and prepares herself. She can't look, like she's actually been waiting. That would be miserable. After all, it's a Friday night.

 

\---------

“God, I'm so over it!” Lexa complains, as she walks through the front door and lets herself drop onto the couch next to the blonde with a dramatic huff.

“Another failure?” The blonde asks after staring at her roommate for probably too long.

She’s really trying to hide, how happy this thought makes her. It shouldn’t. She’s the worst friend ever.

“THE failure itself. Didn’t even make it through a few drinks tonight. Seriously, are there just weirdos out there? There was this one hot girl tonight, but she’s got a thing for feet. Who has that?” 

Clarke shrugs and hands her the bottle of beer. She doesn't want to think about any other girl close to Lexa. 

“You’re my hero. How did you know, I would be back so early?” Lexa asks, flipping it open and taking a sip.

One drop escapes her lips and rolls down her chin, before she wipes it with a random motion.

 _Focus, Clarke,_ she tells herself.

Clarke shrugs again, even though she does know the answer to that question. “Just a feeling?”

Lexa stares into Clarkes blue eyes for a few second, before announcing: „If we turn twenty-four and none of us has fallen in love, we’re going on a date. Deal?” 

Clarke has a hard time swallowing her surprise together with a sip of her beer. Did she just…? Holy shit. _Calm down!_ she tells her stupid heart, which is doing somersaults in the meantime.

She didn’t expect… that. Neither Lexa talking about love nor her suggestion. 

But on the other hand – what’s the worst, that could happen? It’s still four years until then. And they probably forget about it within the next days. 

Okay, Lexa will. Clarke… not so much. No, she’ll lie awake over this stupid little suggestions Lexa made and she’ll dream about it.

“Sounds like a plan.” She says as casual as possible. _No, it sounds like torture,_ she thinks. “Why twenty-four?”

“Just because. I mean, we’re twenty now and none of us has ever fallen love, right? Isn't that... strange?”

 _I have_ , she wants to tell the brunette girl, who holds her heart without knowing it, _I have and loving you is the easiest thing to do._

"I don't think so. I mean, we're young." Clarke finally answers after a few seconds, staring at the television for a moment. 

"Is that a yes?"

"Yeah. Why not." 

There are probably twenty reasons, why not. Hundred. Thousand.

“You’re the best, you know that?” Lexa says, not noticing the pained expression on Clarkes face. She snuggles closer, until Clarkes wraps her arm around her shoulder. “Can I stay with you tonight?” 

“You don’t have to ask.” She tries to muster a smile, even though her heart clenches in pain. 

She can’t pinpoint the exact moment, she fell in love with Lexa Woods. She just has and it sucks, because Lexa will never know. 

She’s exploring herself and sleeping around and she’s loud and adventurous and Clarke will never be all of that. She’ll always be too shy, to share her art, she’ll always believe in true love, because she found it, when she was eighteen years old. And she’ll always be too scared to tell Lexa, because she rather has her as her friend than nothing at all. 

Besides, it wouldn’t change anything – Lexa isn’t one for commitment, she said it herself. And Clarke wants safety. She wants someone to come home to, she wants a family and probably every other cliché out there.

Lexa isn’t safe. She’s the furthest from it. And she’s everything, Clarke shouldn’t want, that’s for sure.

“What are we watching?” The girl in Clarkes arms asks.

“You choose.” 

Clarke can’t do or say anything else, because Lexas hair smell like something peachy and her brain tends to shut down, when the brunette is that close. 

She hates it. Everything about it. And still she loves her. It’s easy and so damn fucking hard at the same time, that she wants to rip her stupid heart out. 

“Something scary.”

“Lexaaa. No.” She shakes her head. She hates scary movies – hate in big, fat letters.

“Lexa yes. I’ll keep you safe, promise.”

Somehow, that doesn’t help at all.

 

\---

On the couch, with Lexa in her arms – that’s how Raven finds her best friend the next morning. They fell asleep halfway during the movie.

The Latina, who grew up with Clarke, is supposed to pick her up for a study session – their codeword for a friends-only weekend. Some shopping, dancing in their living room in pjs and watching silly kids’ movies. 

Raven has a key, so she doesn’t bother with knocking. 

Clarke’s already awake, but she doesn’t move a muscle, when Raven enters the small apartment. She has been watching Lexa sleep for while. 

“Hey.” She whispers towards Raven, putting on her best smile. 

Raven knows, it’s fake, but she doesn’t know why. 

She learns a little while later. 

-

When Lexa’s gone for a run half an hour later and Clarke emerges from the bathroom, Raven sees it for the first time. The blonde has a look in her eyes, something tired and drained. Something sad and so lost, that it pains Raven to watch it. 

She can’t believe, she hasn’t noticed it before. But now, there are so many situations, so many little moments, that indicated this – and yet, she never understood. Raven Reyes has been fooled and she isn’t one to be fooled easily. Clarke had put a lot of effort in it and that can only mean one thing. 

“How long?” The Latina asks quietly. 

“What do you mean?” 

“How long have you been in love with her?”

“What? I'm not… I'm not in love with her!” The blonde denies a little too quick and too loud. 

Just seconds later, her expression crumbles with the weight on her shoulders and her resolve of never telling anyone breaks in front of her best friends’ eyes. 

Raven pulls her in for a hug. She has been teasing Clarke for almost a year now, claiming Lexa would be perfect for her. Only now, she realizes, how it must’ve pained the blonde girl. 

“Since the beginning.” She mumbles into the other girls neck.

“Oh sweetie, why didn’t you tell me?” 

“What would’ve changed?”

“I…” Truth is, Raven doesn’t know the answer to that. 

“I’ll just ignore it. It’ll go away.” _Hopefully._

But deep down she knows it won’t.

“You may hit me for that, but why don’t you tell her?” 

Clarke stares at her friend in utter disbelief. She really wants to hit Raven now. “Tell her?” She repeats. “Are you insane?”

“I mean, yeah, she’s really… active, when it comes to… you know. But why not take a chance? What’s the worst, that could happen?”

“She could…” Clarke doesn’t even want to finish this sentence, so instead she changes tje topic. “Last night, she suggested a deal or something.”

“What kind of deal?”

“If we haven’t fallen in love with someone until we’re twenty-four, we’ll go on a date.”

“Why twenty-four?” 

See, that’s Raven. Always focusing on the really important things. 

“Ray. Focus, please?”

“Sorry. It’s just… That’s four years from now. What’s your plan? Wasting four years of your life, waiting for her to realize, what’s right in front of her?” The Latina answers, clearly not enthusiastic at the thought. 

“No…” Clarke says, but in fact, yes, that was her plan. Not exactly a plan-plan – more like: if it happens, that’s great. If she falls in love with someone else, that's although great. 

“I'm your best friend. So forgive me, when I tell you: you are absolutely stupid!”

“Thanks, Ray.”

“My pleasure. But seriously. You can’t wait around, hoping she doesn’t find someone. You could sabotage every relationship she has during the next years, though.”

“I'm not going to do that.”

“Okay. Just an idea.” Raven sighs, looking at her friend with empathy. 

That girl deserves the world. And if Lexa doesn’t notice it, she doesn’t deserver her. It’s that simple. 

...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading <3


	4. honor the deal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I'm not sure about this...  
> Should I continue? Because my writing highly depends on whether you like it or not, so if you want me to continue, pls tell me :)
> 
> And: I just finished my term paper, so there'll be a lot more time for writing now! Yay :D
> 
> Love,  
> LJT.  
> \---

...

####  One year ago. 

“Clarke.” 

_How can it be, that she pronounces my name so differently?_ The blonde wonders, while pretending, she’s still asleep.

The truth is, she’s got a massive headache and she’s been half dead and half awake for an hour at least. 

“Wakey wakey.” Lexa continues, brushing a loose strand of hair out of the blondes’ face. 

“No.” She whines.

“Clarke, come on.” 

“Let me sleep.” 

“Hey, that’s a sentence.” Lexa chuckles. “Rise and shine, beautiful girl.” 

Clarke grumbles and buries her head further in her pillow, so Lexa won’t be able to poke her cheek. 

“I come bearing gifts.” 

“What kind of gifts?”

Lexa laughs. It’s too easy to get Clarkes attention. “Advil and water. Figured, you need this.”

That’s a good reason to move. 

Clarke takes both without meeting the brunettes’ eyes. “I’m forever grateful.”

“I’ll remind you.” Lexa watches her face for a moment, before she frowns. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

And here it goes. The sad topic. The reason, why she got drunk last night. 

Clarke sighs and turns away, so Lexa can’t see her face. 

Seems like sadness is the main theme of her life. First Lexa, then Finn and now Niylah. She thought, this time, she’d get it right. This time, she’d get the perfectly happy after and all this crap. 

Yeah. No. 

Lexa doesn’t love her, not they way she does. Or did? She isn’t sure about that. Hell, she isn’t sure about anything today. 

Finn died. He’s dead and Raven doesn’t forgive her. Yeah, she drove the car, but it isn’t her fault, that Finn decided to be an asshole. It isn’t her fault, that he grabbed the steering wheel and directed them into a tree, because she said, she doesn’t love him. She barely survived that night. 

The only thing, she can be blamed for, is even trying to date her best friends ex. That is her fault, and that only. 

And Niylah? Long story short: she met another girl – while she was dating Clarke. Clarke invested a whole year of her life into absolutely nothing. 

She tried, okay? She really did. Two times – for nothing. For nothing except pain and another rejection. She’s not good enough and she’s constantly reminded of that. 

Her mother doesn’t even talk to her anymore. Just because she’s following her dream – what kind of mother does that? 

Her father is busy, halfway around the world. She hasn't seen him in person for over a year now. He calls as much as he can, but… it’s not the same. 

And her girlfriend cheated and left. 

What an irony, that she decided to tell Clarke on the day, Lexa suggested to go on a date four years ago. On the anniversary of the day, she got her heart broken for the first time, because to Lexa, it was a joke. And to Clarke, it wasn’t. 

Just great. Fucking great!

So yeah, she got wasted last night. She earned that.

“Clarke.” Lexa says softly. “Talk to me.” 

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“But surely to drink about, hm?” Lexas tone is harsh, because she’s angry. She got the news from Octavia and that by accident. 

“That’s none of your business!”

“None of my business?” She repeats. “Oh, my bad. I thought, we’re best friends.”

Clarke sighs into her pillow. “Sorry.”

Lexas hand comes to rest on the blondes’ shoulder, trying to comfort her friend. “What happened?” 

“She cheated. She broke up with me.” _Like everybody, in their own way,_ she adds bitterly in her head. 

“I'm-”

“Don’t you dare saying, you’re sorry.” 

“I didn’t want to. I wanted say, I'm going to make you some coffee and then you’ll take a shower. You smell. And after that, we’re going for breakfast. How about that waffle diner you like?”

Clarke swallows. 

She tries to fight the tears, that come with the knowledge, that Lexa has forgotten about the deal they made four years ago. It’s stupid, but somehow that adds to the amount of pain she feels. 

“Okay.” She finally agrees. 

_She’s trying to be a good friend. She doesn’t know, Clarke. Suck it up. Please._

\---

Not even an hour later, they sit in the blondes’ favorite diner with two large waffles in front of them. 

It’s not enough to make her day better, but it’s not making it worse either, so that’s a plus. 

It’s silent between the girls. 

Clarke doesn’t know what to talk about. She’s disappointed, but maybe she was being delusional. Scratch that. She is delusional.

She picks at her food, trying to think about something else. 

“Hey, Clarke?”

She looks up to meet green eyes staring at her. There’s no pity in them. Lexas expression is soft and her smile is absolutely perfect. 

“I don’t know, if you remember, but…” Lexa bites her lip. “Four years ago, we made a deal. And yeah, maybe it’s like the worst timing ever, but… Go on a date with me? I mean, we have to honor the deal, right?” 

Clarkes heart beats faster – but not in the happy kind of way. Nope. Her heart screams a loud and pain wrecked NOOOO! Because to her, it still means something else, even if she made peace with the idea of having her as a friend, and only as a friend. But if she gets to pretend for one evening, she could as well rip her heart out. 

“Like a friend date?” She brings herself to ask, holding the other girls gaze. 

“If you want it to be, yes. But I… I mean, we could although… go on a real date? If you want?”

_What???_

“I'm sorry, if that sounds weird. Forget, I said anything.” Lexa lowers her gaze back to her plate, taking the blondes stunned silence as a rejection.

“No, no! It’s just… surprising. That’s all.”

Green meets blue again, silently asking for an answer. 

“I’d love to go on a date with you, Lex.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” 

\---

They go on a date three weeks later. 

At first, it feels awkward. The kind of awkward, that you're feeling, when you accidentally bump into your ex and everyone's like "It's really great to see you! How are you?" But on the inside you're more like "wtf am I doing? Why am I smiling like that? I don't smile like that!" They’ve been friends for six years now. Roommates. They don’t need to ask first date questions about job and family. They know each other like the back of their own hands. 

By dessert, it’s easier to talk. They’ve fallen into their usual friendly banter and they laugh a lot, enjoying each other’s company. They’ve always felt safe around each other, relaxed. 

After dinner, they walk down towards the big fountain. It’s Clarkes’ favorite place in the whole city. Lexa buys ice-cream for both them – chocolate for Clarke, vanilla for herself – and gets hers all over her face. When Clarke reaches to wipe the last traces of ice-cream from the corner of Lexas mouth, it’s the first intimate moment between them.

Clarke gets lost in green. Lexa gets lost in blue. 

Now, it definitely feels like a date. And Clarke’s not the only one, who’s got butterflies in her stomach. Thousands of butterflies. 

She’s not the only one longing to kiss the others’ lips either. 

\---

 

“And now what?” Lexa asks, as they reach their apartment. 

First date procedure includes a kiss at the apartment door, both girls know that. It’s supposed to be romantic – except there’s nothing romantic about kissing on a doorstep. It’s just a nice closure and for testing waters. 

And dear god, does Clarke want to test those waters. 

“Now you kiss me.” She answers, with a cheeky grin. 

“Doesn’t that make everything weird?”

“You mean weirder, than going on a real date with your best friend?” 

“Exactly.”

Clarke doesn’t know, where her confidence comes from – maybe from Lexas darkened pupils or from holding hands all the way home. “I want you to kiss me, Lex.” 

She watches the brunette swallowing, before taking a step closer. Their noses are almost touching. 

Lexa stares into Clarkes eyes. 

And then, both girls decide to move forward. At the same time. 

Turns out, that’s a bad idea. 

“Ouch.” Clarke laughs, rubbing her forehead, where she bumped together with Lexa. 

“God, I'm sorry, I-”

“Lex. It’s okay. Just…” She grabs the brunettes face gently. “Close your eyes.” 

“Clarke, I-”

“Close your damn eyes, Woods.” 

Lexa obeys with a nervous laugh. “I’m pretty sure, that’s not how to talk to your date, Griffin.” 

“Oh, shut up. I really want to kiss you now.” Clarkes’ thumbs caress the brunettes’ cheeks and then she can’t take it any longer.

She closes the remaining distance and kisses Lexa with all she has. She pours all her emotions into this kiss, because she can’t help herself. 

Lexa moans quietly and soon, her hands tangle in Clarkes hair. They push and pull, fighting for dominance, until their lungs are out of oxygen. 

They catch their breaths and gravitate towards each other again only seconds later, not even parting, when they stumble inside.

Yeah. Now, it’s definitely a date. 

...


	5. the question.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, so I found a little Inspiration. That's why I'll update tomorrow and maybe Saturday, too :)
> 
> Hope you like it - if you do, I'd be happy to read some comments.  
> Love,  
> LJT.

...

####  Eleven months ago. 

Four weeks. 

That’s how long Lexa and Clarke have been… doing, whatever it is, they’re doing. Mostly, it’s cuddling up on the couch way closer than before, and there’s a lot of kissing and sex involved – the passionate and earthshattering kind of sex, that leaves you unable to form a coherent thought and unable to move for hours.

So far, no one knows about them. It’s sexy and secretive and Clarke really likes it. Everything is new and at the same time familiar. 

No one has brought up the question, what it is, that they’re doing.

_It’s easier that way_ , Clarke tells herself. 

But the truth is, she’s scared. Scared of putting a label on their new kind of relationship, because Lexa doesn’t do normal relationships. 

Maybe it’s because she grew up in the system, maybe because she’s never been in love before – it doesn’t matter. Clarke is willing to wait, until Lexa brings up the topic. So far, it’s going great. They keep doing their friend-things – like movie marathons and talking all night – but everything’s got this new touch and Clarke loves it. 

She loves everything - waking up next to the brunette, with their legs entwined and bedsheets tangled; Lexa’s scent on her pillow; stealing the other girls hoodie, when the brunette isn’t around; Lexa’s hand brushing Clarke’s hipbones in a random but sweet gesture, when they cook dinner together. She loves it all. 

Somehow, Lexa makes everything better – painting, cooking, sleeping. It doesn’t matter, what they do, as long as they do it together. 

More then once during those four weeks, their friends tease them about looking and acting like a couple. They just laugh and joke about it, like they always do. None of their friends knows, that it’s true. Somehow.

Clarke's happy.

\---

####  Ten months ago. 

“You’re like a vampire, Lex!” The blonde says over her shoulder, while she’s inspecting the mark the other girl left on her neck. 

“I'm sorry.”

“Better be safe than sorry.” Clarke answers, ignoring the pout in the mirror. Ignoring the rest of the – very naked – body in the shower behind her is a bit harder, though. “How the hell am I supposed to explain it to the girls?”

“Let me make it up to you.” Lexa replies and wraps her naked and wet body around Clarke, pressing her lips into the crook of her neck, because she knows, it’s a weak spot. 

“No, no, no. That’s, how we got into this mess in the first place.” Clarke wiggles herself out of Lexa’s arms. “We talked about this. No marks in visible places!”

“I got caught up in the moment. It was a great moment.” Lexa grins and Clarke can’t stop the pictures flooding her mind. “Don’t make it a bigger deal, than it is.”

“That’s easy for you to say. You’re not the one, who’s got a bite mark on her neck.”

Lexa smirks. “We could change that, if you want.” 

Clarke sighs. She’s trying. She’s trying really hard, but her roommate isn’t helping. “Whatever. I’ll try to cover it up, you finish in here.”

She leaves the bathroom and walks back to her room. 

These last few days, Lexa has been acting… more possessive. They were celebrating Octavia’s engagement on Wednesday, just a spontaneous get-together in their favorite club and Clarke had been dancing with a guy, when Lexa stepped in with a low growl. If Clarke didn’t know better, she’d say, the brunette was jealous. Lexa also started to hold her hand, even in public – only sometimes, but still she did it and Clarke’s heart

She shakes her head, trying not to get her hopes up, while she rummages her closet for something acceptable. Something sexy. 

\-----------

Later that night, she finds herself in their kitchen, pouring herself a glass of water to reduce the hangover she’ll get tomorrow, when Raven hops onto the counter next to her. 

They’ve been celebrating the engagement again, only this time they’re really celebrating – with more alcohol, better music and all of their friends. 

“So… how long exactly have you been sleeping with our beloved Lexi-loo?”

She chokes on her water. “W-what?”

“Oh, you heard me.”

“Umm… I don’t know, what you’re talking about?”

“Griffin. First of all, if you have to lie, don’t make it sound like a question, alright? That’s poor. And second, don’t you dare trying to lie to me, because I can see right through you. And third, your makeup is fading.”

_Fuck._

Raven grins proudly. “So. How long?”

“Couple of weeks.”

“I'm hurt.” She fakes a sad face. “Why didn’t you tell me? I'm your best friend!”

“Because I don’t know, what we are, Ray. We’ve been… closer.”

“Obviously. As far as I know, sex requires physical contact.”

“Dumbass. I meant, we’ve been doing more things together. Couple things. I…” Clarke pauses. With alcohol in her system, she isn’t as good at denying things, as she would be sober. “I don’t want to scare her away.”

“So you let yourself be dragged into this no-strings-attached-thing she’s been doing for years without being given a perspective?”

Good point. Very good point.

“What am I supposed to do?”

“Ask her to be your girlfriend. If she says no, you’ll have your answer and you can move on. If she says yes, it’s great. And if she says, she’ll need more time, well, at least, you know. More time is absolutely okay. But not knowing doesn’t make anything better.”

Clarke stares at the wall across from her, thinking about Ravens word. She likes drunk Raven. Drunk Raven uncomplicates everything with just a few words. 

But Clarke couldn’t handle a no. She’s already in to deep. She fell for Lexa at the very beginning. But she fell even harder for the woman with those evergreen eyes during the past few weeks and a no would break her heart. 

“Can’t I… just be happy a little longer?”

“Clarke, I know you. You’re not happy, you’re scared. And the longer you wait, the more scared you’ll become and the harder it will be, to ask her.” 

“I know. I know, Ray. It’s just… it’s Lexa.”

“And?”

“And I'm me.”

“And?”

“There’s no way, she’ll want me.”

Ravens heart breaks for her friend, right there in the blonde’s kitchen. “Clarke, listen to me. If she doesn’t love you the way you deserve to be loved, she’s an asshole. I’ll happily punch her, if that should be the case. You’re the most caring, most loveable person in the world. If she doesn’t see that, she’s not worth it, okay? I love you. We all do.”

\---

It’s three a.m. and the party is over. Most of their friends have left or sleep somewhere in the apartment – the floor, the couch or the bathtub. Yes, the bathtub.

Lexa is getting ready for bed and Clarke is standing in her doorway, watching the brunette. She’s supposed to share with Lexa tonight, because Raven and Anya hijacked her bed.

_Now is not the time_ , she tells herself. 

But when is the right time? 

“Lex?”

“Hm?” 

_You can do that. One question, one answer and you’ll know._

Green eyes stare at her expectantly. Clarke is still standing in the doorway, one shoulder leaning against the frame. She tries to look casual, but on the inside, she’s trembling.

“Will you… will you be my girlfriend?”

Lexa blinks once, twice, three times. 

Clarke’s heart beats like crazy, her mind is running wild. 

“Why?” Lexa asks with a stoic expression on her face.

“Why what?”

“Why do you want me to be your girlfriend?” 

“Why…?” Clarke repeats confused. “Isn’t that obvious? I like you, Lex, as more than just a friend. I’d like you to be my girlfriend, because I think, we could be great together. Because I…” _Because I love you._ “Because you’re amazing.” 

Lexa gets on her feet and walks over to Clarke, who’s pretty damn scared by now. This is not, what she expected. 

“Clarke, I… I can’t…” She starts, but she doesn’t finish her sentence. 

Whatever she wanted to say, Clarke can see the rejection in her eyes. No. She doesn’t need to hear the words, too.

“Forget it. Forget I asked anything.”

“Clarke-”

But the blonde has already turned around and left the room. 

...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thoughts? :)


	6. heartbreak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a bit shorter, than the last :)  
> Tomorrow: Lexa's POV !

...

…

_“Clarke, I… I can’t…” She starts, but she doesn’t finish her sentence._

_Whatever she wanted to say, Clarke can see the rejection in her eyes. No. She doesn’t need to hear the words, too._

_“Forget it. Forget I asked anything.”_

_“Clarke-”_

_But the Blonde has turned around already and left the room._

…

“Clarke, wait.” Lexa tries to stop the other girl, but Clarke keeps on walking towards her bedroom. She’ll share with Ray and Anya, no problem.

“It’s okay, Lex. Really.”

“I-”

“We tried. We failed. Just like I'm failing at everything, it seems.”

Green eyes widen, but it goes unnoticed by Clarke, who reaches out for her doorknob. Lexa had no idea, Clarke thought about herself like that. It pains her, like she got stabbed right through her heart. She knows, Clarke has been through a lot, and she blames herself for even thinking about taking her on that date. But she can’t lose her – not over this.

“Can’t we just… keep doing, what we-” Finally the blonde turns around and the expression on her face makes Lexa stop. No. They can’t keep doing whatever they’ve been doing these past few weeks. It’s over. 

“I don’t do fuckbuddies. You know that.” Clarke says, her voice strange. Somehow hoarse and yet soft and vulnerable. “It’s okay, Lex. We’ll just go back to how it was. No problem.” She puts on a fake smile, remarkably perfect.

But Lexa knows it’s fake. “I…” 

Clarke waits for Lexa to say something, maybe even for her to change her mind, but the other girl stays silent and green eyes continue to stare pleadingly into blue ones. What else is there to say? I'm sorry?

“Sleep well.” Clarke finally says, after waiting long enough. She turns around and closes her bedroom door from inside. 

Now she has her answer. But she didn’t want it. Not this one, not from Lexa. From anybody else? Okay, it sucked. But from Lexa? 

She knows, how heartbreak feels. She had her heart broken before. She shouldn’t… feel like this. Empty. Numb.

“Clarke?” Raven mumbles sleepy. “Is that you?”

“Can I… can I sleep here?” Her voice sounds broken.

“Of course. Come here.” 

Light goes on and Ravens and Anyas figures come into view. Clarke taps towards the bed, when Anya moves behind Raven.

“Babe.” Anya groans, clearly bothered by the light. 

“Shhh. Sleep.” Raven tells her girlfriend, before she opens her arms for Clarke.

Only when she’s cuddled up against her best friend, the blonde allows herself to cry. Why did she have to fall in love with Lexa? Out of all the people in the world – why did it have to be her? 

“So it’s a no?” Raven asks quietly, while she rubs her friends back, trying to comfort her.

“It’s a no.” 

Only a no from Lexa feels like she got punched and kicked.

“Clarke, I’m-”

“It’s not your fault.”

“I pushed you and-”

“Can we just… sleep?”

Raven nods. She feels guilty, because her drunk self caused her best friend a broken heart. But she was so sure, that Lexa felt the same. She would’ve betted her favorite armchair on it – that sure she was. 

\---

“Can we talk?”

“Do we have to?”

Lexa sighs. “I think we do. You’ve been avoiding me for three days. Considering, we live together, that’s a lot.”

“I haven’t been ignoring you. We had a movie night yesterday.” Clarke disagrees without looking Lexa in the eye. She can’t do that without starting to cry again and she has done enough of it. 

So she busies herself with filling the dishwasher. 

She’s been avoiding this talk for as long as she could, but she can’t run away from it forever. They share an apartment. 

Note to self: never start something with your roommate. Addition: never fall in love with your roommate. 

“Yeah, with Raven and Octavia.”

“They’re our friends.”

“They’re your friends.”

Another sigh, this time from Clarke. She doesn’t want to fight. Actually, she doesn’t even want to talk to Lexa, because there’s this… pity in her voice. Lexa said, she’s sorry at least ten times now, but what does it change? Nothing. Words don’t console a broken heart.

“I don’t want to talk.” She eventually mumbles quietly, but she can’t hide the bitterness in her voice. “I’m another notch in your bedpost. It was fun. Now it’s over. We’re back to being friends, like nothing happened.”

“That’s not true and unfair.” Lexa can’t hide the hurt in her tone. But Clarke aimed for that, they both know it.

“Is it?”

“Yes. You wanted it as much as I did.” Lexa says, sounding a little desperate, as she stares at the blonde in front of her. “You wanted more.”

“Yeah. Look, I was drunk and I got a little caught up in it. Can you drop it now?”

“You weren’t that drunk.” 

Finally, their eyes meet. 

Lexa’s are full of sorrow, because she knows, she hurt Clarke and she never meant to. Clarke is the only person in her life, who’s really important to her. She considers her more than a friend. She's family. She's her person. 

And Clarke’s? They’re full of pain and empty at the same time. 

“Okay! Yes! I wanted more! Are you happy now?!” She exclaims, slamming the dishwasher shut. Tears are burning in her eyes, but she won’t let them fall. Not, when Lexa is around. “Yes, I fell in love with you and it sucks! So what? That’s the story of my life! It’s my fault! So if you could kindly fuck off, I’d be really happy right now, because I can’t look at you!!”

As soon as the words are out, she regrets saying them. 

_Fuck._

...


	7. crash and burn.

...

####  Nine months ago. 

Lexa never considered herself a person worth loving. 

She grew up in the system, where she learned to depend on nothing but hard work and herself. Whenever she got attached to someone, she was forced to go – so somewhere along the way, she closed herself off. 

With sixteen, she finally ran away from her last home, were she almost got raped. She lived on the streets or in the school’s gym or in churches and she saved money wherever she could.

She never knew her birth parents, because she was found in front of a firehouse. Pretty cliché. Maybe that’s the reason, why she worked her ass off, to become anything but ordinary. Well. One out of two reasons.

But Clarke? 

She changed it, she changed it all. She turned her whole world upside down.

Even though she tried hard to fight it, the girl got under her skin and behind the façade. 

And that’s the reason, why Lexa can’t understand, how she could be so stupid. 

Love is weakness. 

A weakness, she can’t afford – not now, not ever. 

She looks at the clock again. It's past four a.m. and Clarke isn’t home yet. 

It’s not the first time it happened in the last days, but Lexa still can’t sleep. How could she? She keeps tossing and turning, thinking about the past two weeks.

Since Clarke told her that she loved her, they went silent. That was fourteen days ago. 

Since then, Clarke came home late at night and if she did, she wasn’t alone most of the time. And she was always drunk. 

Ten nights, ten different men or woman. 

Ten times, Lexa’s heart broke again.

Watching the other girl spiraling down a very dark road further and further pained her. She tried to help – she went out with her, tried to watch out for her friend, but there was nothing she could do, because Clarke wouldn’t even look at her, let alone talk to her.

That’s why she started waiting at home, holding the blonde’s hair back, when she threw up in the toilet, dragging her into a shower, making her drink water and putting Advil for her on the nightstand. 

Her phone vibrates in the pocket of her sweatpants. 

**Ray: is she home yet?**

**Lexa: no.**

Raven has been weird towards her, ever since Clarke and her returned to “being friends” as Clarke calls it. (Lexa would hardly call it “being anything”, since her roommate closed off completely. Not that she blamed her. The words Clarke had said to her shocked her and she didn’t know, how to act around the blonde anyway.) She’s surprised that Raven bothers to text her, but then again, they’re both worried about the same person. 

**Ray: fuck.**  
**Ray: I lost her half an hour ago, I thought she went home. Text me, when she gets back? I’ll keep looking.**

**Lexa: okay.**

Half an hour later, she hears someone at the door. She listens closely to find out, if Clarke’s alone or not. Then the blonde stumbles into the apartment, barely able to walk. 

Lexa catches her, before she hits her head. Of course she does. 

Clarke’s reeking of alcohol and Lexa wrinkles her nose in disgust.

“Go away.” The blonde babbles and she tries to shove Lexa’s arm away. She fails. 

“Let me help you, Clarke.”

“No!” She whines. “Go away! Go sleep with other women! Just…go.” 

Lexa swallows. She’s witnessed drunk Clarke a lot over the last years, but she never was on the receiving end of her drunken insults before. Especially not this way, because this was meant to hurt and it did.

Nevertheless, she pulls the girl back on her feet and helps her towards the bathroom. She’ll puke soon anyway and Lexa’s better safe than sorry. She smiles sadly at the thought. 

“Fuck off. I can… I'm fine on my own!” Clarke slurs angrily. 

“Yeah? Can you?” Lexa asks emotionless and lets go of the other girl, watching Clarke stumbling towards the bathroom door.

She’s tired. She’s tired, because of the lack of sleep these past few weeks, and she’s tired, because she can’t keep watching Clarke ruining her life. She’s hurt, yes. And maybe Lexa broke her heart, too. She knows, she did, Clarke told her last night and the night before. But this?

“Yes.” The blonde answers stubbornly, barely holding herself upright. “I don’t want you here! Fuck off, Lexa!” 

“Okay. I’ll go.”

“Fine.”

"Goodnight."

"Fuck you."

It has never been harder to turn her back on the blonde, but nevertheless she does it. 

She leans against her bedroom door for a while, before her body slumps to the floor. Then she remembers, she made a promise, so she pulls out her phone to text Raven and then she stays on the cold, hard floor, waiting.

Forty minutes pass, until she can hear Clarke’s door close. At least she made it to bed. 

Lexa gets up a while later.

It’s almost six, she realizes with a sigh. 

She rummages in her nightstand for the little box. Sometimes she wonders, how the little thing she uses twice every day ends up in the back of her drawer every time. With a sigh, she plops it open and tips a few pills in her palm. One. Two. Three. 

_Another round_ , she thinks to herself, as she tilts her head back and swallows the pills without water.

She shouldn’t have taken Clarke on a date. 

She shouldn’t have let herself get lost in the fairytale-feeling of happiness. 

But most of all, she should’ve moved out the moment she felt herself falling for the blue-eyed girl with the carefree laughter.

She was selfish, when she stayed. She was selfish, when she kissed her. Instead of one heart, she broke two and that’s the only thing she’ll ever regret in her life.

And no matter how this turns out, her death will break Clarke’s heart even further. 

Yeah, she should’ve stayed away. 

...


	8. don't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi :D  
> This has been a challenge for me so far. I never did a third-person-pov-story before. But it seems, I'm doing okay so far? 
> 
> Hope you like this one :)  
> Love,  
> LJT.  
> \---

...

####  7 months ago. 

“Please, Lex.” Clarke begs, her lips ghosting over Lexa’s. “Please.”

“I…”

She’s weak. 

She’ll regret it in the morning. 

“Just one night. I need you.”

Three words – that’s all it takes for Lexa’s resolve to crumble and to lead the blonde woman to her bedroom. To make love to her, like it’s the last time. It has to be the last time. She can’t keep doing this to herself. She can’t keep doing this to Clarke.

\---

It’s awkward the next morning. Not the strange kind of awkward, but the uncomfortable kind of awkward full of tension and regret. 

Lexa woke up alone in her bed and she would’ve stayed there, but she has to get to work. She delays the moment for as long as possible by taking an extra-long shower, but then she has to leave the bedroom to get herself some breakfast. 

For the last two weeks they’ve finally been better. Clarke has been home more often and she didn’t get blackout drunk anymore. She’s been healing. They’ve been both healing. 

Until last night. 

She came home crying and Lexa comforted her, like it’s best friend’s duty. Except they’re not friends. Maybe they never were. 

And when Clarke begged her… Of course she relented. She could never say no to her. 

Clarke is already in the kitchen. She’s looking better and she’s making breakfast, as if nothing happened between them last night.

They eat in silence and Lexa happily plays along until Clarke suddenly looks up and drops a bomb that shatters Lexa’s whole world.

“I’m going to move out.” 

She chokes on her coffee. “W-what?” 

“I'm sorry.” Clarke says. “But it’s the only way for me. I can’t… I need to do that.”

“You don’t have to move out. I can… I don’t know, keep my distance?”

Clarke smiles sadly. “That didn’t work.”

“I’ll spend my days in my room, you won’t even have to see me-”

“Lex.” Clarke shakes her head. “I appreciate your suggestion, but it’s your home, too. And I'm uncomfortable. I told you, I was in love with you. That’s not your fault. It’s mine. So I'm going to move out.”

Lexa stares at the other girl, wide-eyed. “Please, don’t.” 

“I need to.” She sounds determined. Like she’s already made up her mind, like she’s not even thinking about discussing it with Lexa. 

“Can we at least talk about it? Tonight?” Lexa doesn’t want to be pleading, but she does and she can’t help it. She can’t imagine the apartment without the blonde. 

Clarke sighs. “Okay.”

\---

Clarke’s promise to talk was a lie. 

When Lexa returns home, she meets Bellamy and Lincoln in the stairway, both of them carry large boxes. They look at her with this sad expression on their faces and that’s when she knows. 

She rushes upstairs, only to find more boxes next to the door. 

“What are you doing?” Her tone is more accusing than asking, but Clarke doesn’t seem to be bothered. “I thought, we’d talk about it?”

“I'm sorry.” Clarke answers, before she returns to get more stuff out of her already half empty room.

I'm sorry? That’s all she gets as an explanation? After six years of living together, of sharing everything with each other, all she gets is an “I'm sorry” and that’s it?

Lexa stands in the middle of their hallway, too shocked to say anything. 

“FUCK!” She shouts, slamming her into the wall next to her, before she moves to the couch. 

It’s her fault. If she would’ve had more strength last night, if she wouldn’t have slept with Clarke, maybe she… 

Bellamy smiles apologetically.

Lincoln, a good friend of hers, does too. 

It doesn’t change anything. 

All too soon, most of Clarke’s stuff is gone, packed up in a car, waiting to be moved away. 

She watches the blonde drop a bag on the floor next to the couch where she’s still sitting, her own fingers intertwined, elbows resting on her knees. She stares at her bruised knuckles, but she doesn’t even feel them. 

She’s trying to wrap her head around it, but whenever she imagines the apartment without Clarke in it, it feels so fucking wrong that it makes her feel like choking. It has to be a nightmare.

She can’t move out. She just _can’t_. 

“Lex.” Clarke says, sounding like she’s tried to get the brunettes attention before. She offers her an ice pack for her hand. “Here. You need to cool it.” 

Deep green eyes bore into blue ones. _Really?_

She doesn’t take the ice pack. 

“Please. It’s going to hurt way more, if you don’t cool it.” The blonde tries. 

"Do you think I care about my fucking hand?"

Clarke doesn't answer. She just swallows and stares at her hands.

“Where are you going to stay?” Lexa asks after a few silent minutes.

„With Ray for the night and then... I might go away for a while, I don’t know yet. I'm storing my stuff at Bellamy’s, until I know, where I’ll go.”

Her head shoots up. _What?_

“Clarke, no-”

“It’s gonna be hard enough without seeing each other, Lex. I don’t want to make it any more difficult on… anyone.”

The unspoken _us_ echoes through the room loudly. She can physically feel it and it pains her. 

The brunette shakes her head. “This can’t be it, Clarke, we-”

Clarke smiles, her beautiful blue eyes full of sadness. “In case your point of view hasn’t changed, it is. I love you, I can’t change how I feel. And you don’t love me and that’s okay. But I tried to fight it and I tried to live here, but I can’t do that any longer.”

_I do love you,_ Lexa thinks with tears in her eyes, silently cursing the unfairness of life, _God, you’ve got no idea how much. But because I love you, I can’t love you._

She knew, this day would come eventually. She denied for as long as possible, but she knew it.

Nevertheless, it tears both women apart. 

And now the blonde has packed up her things in tiny little boxes and a few bags, ready to leave the apartment. The life they build. Their life. Lexa.

“We tried.” Clarke whispers, trying to gain control over her voice, but failing. 

Lexa nods, even though her heart screams in agony. “I don’t want you to go.” She says stubbornly. 

Clarke sighs and sits beside Lexa, wrapping her arms around the woman she loves. “I know.”

Lexa hugs her back, pretending she doesn’t have to let go at some point for a few seconds, before she pulls back and stands up. “Say it.”

“Lex-”

“Goddamn, say it. Please!”

The blonde inhales sharply at Lexas outburst. 

“Just say it, please.”

Clarke has never done anything more painful in her life and yet, she has to. So she stares into the green eyes, welling with tears, and she says it. “Whatever this was, it’s… it’s o-over.”

Lexa nods. She needed to hear it or else she’d never believe it. 

She watches, as Clarke gets up and grabs her stuff. She can already feel the emptiness in this apartment. 

“I… I wish, we could be strangers.” Clarke whispers quietly, as she reaches the door. She doesn’t look back at Lexa and she doesn’t wait for an answer. 

But Lexa nods. 

She really wishes, they could. Not for her – she doesn’t care about her pain. 

But for Clarke. If they could be strangers, she wouldn’t cause the other woman heartache – not now and not in the future. 

The door falls shut and Lexa feels too numb, to move. And she feels like dying. Scratch that – she feels dead inside. Like she just killed the one thing in her life, that was good.

“FUUUCK!” She screams, as she punches the wall again, before she breaks down on the cold hard floor. 

...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thoughts?  
> Thanks for reading <3


	9. selfish secrets and the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys :)  
> Some of you seem really invested in this story, which makes me write faster and more. There's no better motivation! So thank you <3  
> This one's a bit longer.  
> And I'm also going to apologize right here: I'm sorry. (no, I'm not. Okay, a little.) 
> 
> I'll update tomorrow again!  
> Love,  
> LJT.  
> \---

…

Clarke doesn’t cry. 

Not when she sees the pain on the brunette’s face. Not when they part from each other and everything feels so fucking wrong that she wants to scream. Not even when she closes the door and hears Lexa shout a loud “FUCK”, knowing she can’t comfort her.

She doesn’t cry when she sits in her car and drives to her best friends’ house. 

Hell, she doesn’t even cry when she takes the bag out of the trunk and walks up the house Raven shares with Lexas sister Anya.

She just feels awful. 

“Clarke!” Raven says enthusiastically. “What are you doing here? It feels like I haven’t seen you in forever!”

No. 

Clarke starts crying the second, Raven says her name – because somehow it sounded like Lexa said it. She knows that’s not possible, but she can’t help it and she can’t fight the tears any longer either. 

“Sweetie, what-”

But Raven doesn’t even get to ask the question. She’s too busy catching her best friend, because the blonde breaks down on her doorstep. 

The Latina calls for her girlfriend to help her get the blonde inside, because with her screwed up leg she can’t do it alone. And Clarke lets herself be dragged to the couch, where she curls up against Ravens chest. Her fingers clinging in her best friends’ shirt, desperately searching for comfort.

“What happened?” The brunette asks, but Clarke shakes her head. She refuses to say it. 

“I'm going to call Lexa.” Anya announces after a few seconds. 

“N-no.”

Both woman stare at the crying tiny ball against Ravens body.

And that’s when Raven understands. She’s noticed the looks on Clarke’s face, whenever they did a movie night or went out in the past weeks. She knew that it was hard on the blonde to be close to Lexa. But this is not the kind of breakdown she had a few times over the last two months. This feels… final. 

So she wraps her arms around her best friend, trying to comfort her, even though she knows, she can’t. 

 

\---

 

Anya leaves a few minutes later to give them space and to look after her sister. 

It takes about half an hour longer for Clarke to calm down and Raven’s first act is to get some tequila and ice-cream. Their breakup-cure. Because no matter what Clarke says, it’s kind of a breakup.

“I moved out.” Clarke finally explains. “I… I can’t take it. I thought I could, but…” 

Saying it out loud, makes it final. Real. She really did it. 

It’s not like she planned it or anything. She just woke up next to the woman she loves this morning and she knew, she wouldn’t be able to take it any longer. She sneaked to the bathroom and called Bellamy, because he doesn’t say anything, he just listens. And he did. And when she was done talking, he told her that he’s got a spare room to offer, whenever she needed it. That was it. Her exit. 

“I'm sorry.” Raven mumbles. There’s nothing else to say.

 _I am too_ , she thinks to herself bitterly. The look on Lexa’s face… god, was it the right thing to do? She doesn’t want to think about it.

“Can I stay here for the night?” 

“Of course. Stay as long as you want.” 

“Bell’s got a free room. Maybe I’ll move in with him.”

Raven raises both eyebrows in amusement. “You want to live with Bell and the boys? Are you sure about that? You do remember their apartment, right?”

Clarke chuckles weakly. “I do. But it’s cheap and they’re like family. And Lincoln is probably going to move in with O soon.” 

“She won’t be back for another year or so, you know that.”

“Yeah. Still. They’re family. I think, I need that.”

“Hey!” Raven fakes indignation. “I'm family, too!”

“Yeah, but you’re living with your girl. And as much as I love you, I don’t want to listen to you all night.” Clarke answers, trying not to think about it. 

Raven shrugs and pours herself and Clarke another round of shots. 

“Do you think, she’ll be okay?” She didn’t mean to ask, but she can’t help it. 

“Who? Lexa? Yeah, she’ll be fine. She’s a big girl.”

“She looked so… broken, you know? For a moment I thought she feels the same. It’s ridiculous, but… there was this look in her eyes.”

“Why would that be ridiculous?” Raven asks, frowning. 

“Come on, Ray, don’t pretend like you don’t know what I'm talking about.”

“I'm sorry, but I really don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“My mother practically disowns me. I was never good enough for her, but when I chose art over med school, she outcasted me from her family. She only calls to complain about how ungrateful I was and how stupid I am for throwing my life away. My father left years ago and he barely finds time for me, because he’s “so busy” with his job.” Clarke signs quotations marks in the air. “As if I didn’t know that he just has no interest in me.” 

The bitterness in Clarke’s voice fills the brunette with great sadness. “That’s not-“

“Niylah cheated on me and left, because I couldn’t offer what she was looking for. Whatever that was. I'm basically a starving artist, following an unrealistic dream. My family hates me, I suck at dating and I’ve got no real perspective in my life. I’ve got nothing to offer.”

“I want you to listen really carefully, because what I'm going to say is really, really important, okay?” Raven demands. 

"You like the word "really", don't you?" Clarke tries to tease. 

Raven glares at her without saying something and then she continues. “You, Clarke Griffin, are one of the best people I know. You’re caring, loyal, funny, smart and compassionate. You’re brave for following your dreams and you’re working hard for that. If your family doesn’t see it, fuck it. If Niylah didn’t see it, so what? You’re better off without that bitch. You don’t need them. You’ve got us. Me and Anya and O and Linc and Bell. We’re your family.”

It’s one of the longest speeches that Clarke has ever witnessed coming from the queen of sassy comments. Raven’s words made her teary again, so she wraps her arms around her friend. 

“Thank you.” She whispers. She really needed that.

“And it’s probably the wrong time to say it, but I'm pretty sure, that Lexa feels the same.” Raven adds a few seconds later.

“Let’s pretend for a moment that she does. Why didn’t she say so?”

“Maybe she’s got a reason, who knows.”

“Can you think of one?”

“No. But maybe you should ask her?”

Clarke shakes her head. As much as it pains her not knowing – it pains her even more to talk to the green-eyed girl. Maybe she’ll be ready to do so in a few weeks. Right now she needs distance. 

 

…………………………………..

 

One the other side of the town, Lexa breaks apart just a few minutes after Clarke left the apartment.

And there’s only one thing she does, when she’s feeling like life is too much. She drinks whisky. Pure. Preferably lots of it. 

Alcohol speaks the truth, they say. Well, she wants silence – and if she drinks enough alcohol, her wish may come true. So she pours herself a drink, enjoying the burning feeling in her throat and stomach, hoping it might be stronger than the other one. It isn’t. 

-

On the kitchen floor, a glass of whisky in her hand – that’s how Anya finds her half an hour later. Anya’s heart breaks for the brunette, even though she doesn’t understand, how Lexa can be so dumb and let the best thing that ever happened to her go. Hell, Lexa doesn’t even understand it herself. She just knows, why. 

They shared a foster-home when Lexa was thirteen and Anya fifteen. Despite getting separated, they stayed close ever since. They even consider each other family. Sisters. 

“Why did you let her go?” Anya asks in her typical manner. Normally Lexa likes that attitude. Not today, though.

“I had no choice.”

“That’s a dumb answer.”

“But it’s the truth.” 

“Explain.”

“I'm not drunk enough for that.”

“And you better stay that way. Give that to me.” Anya takes the bottle from Lexa, before the brunette can pour herself another drink.

“Hey!”

“You talk. Then you can drink.”

Lexa mumbles a complaint, but Anya sits down across from her, keeping the bottle out of reach from her sister. She waits patiently until Lexa gives in. 

“There’s nothing to say.” Lexa finally tells her. “She moved out.”

“Raven told me everything.” 

“Then why do you ask?”

Anya sighs. “Because I know you and correct me, if I'm wrong, but you’re in love with her.” 

Lexa doesn’t correct her. She’s too tired to pretend tonight. Besides, she’s talking to Anya – her family. They had each other’s backs since they were kids.

“Okay, I take it as a yes. But isn’t that the part, where everything gets easier? She loves you, you love her, you get to be happy?” 

For the first time, Lexa looks up and her eyes meet Anya’s. “Easier?” She repeats and then she snorts. “That’s the part where everything starts to get complicated.”

“Lex, I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me. What’s going on?” Anya’s voice is strangely soft by now and Lexa notices it.

That’s why she gives in. She should’ve told her sister ages ago, but she couldn’t. That’s a lame excuse, nonetheless it’s true. But she already had let her guard down, when she hadn't denied her feelings for Clarke. And that’s why she stands up to get her pills. 

She tosses the little box in Anya’s lap, before she sits back down across from her and leans her back against the wall.

Confusion spreads across her sister’s face, as she reads the label. “What’s this?”

There’s no use in glossing it over. “I’m sick, Anya.”

Anya opens her mouth to say something, but the words don’t come out. She tries a few more times, before she finally manages to ask the first question from that long list of unavoidable questions Lexa already knows. “What do you mean by that?”

“The simple and short version is, I’ve got a rare blood disease, which turns my blood from red to black. It’s genetic.” 

Anya frowns. “What happens, when it’s black?” 

“When it’s black, my immune system will shut down and my organs will stop functioning one by one. The only thing that’s able to prevent that, is a transplant of rare blood cells.” Lexa answers, rubbing her forehead. She’s getting a headache, but she’s got no choice now. 

“And if you don’t get one?”

Lexa closes her eyes, because she doesn’t want to see the look on her sister’s face, when she says it out loud. “If I don’t get a transplant, I'm going to die.”

Anya exhales loudly after a few seconds. “How much time?”

“I scratched my knee a few months ago and I noticed that my blood had gotten darker. When it’s completely black, I'm going to need a transplant within a year.” She explains. 

“And is yours… black already?”

“Not yet, but it will be soon. Very soon.”

“So you’ve still got time, right?”

Lexa sighs. Her sisters is trying to focus on hope and she understands it, but Anya needs to see that the chances are low. “Anya, I-“

“No! You’ve got time, right? Over a year?”

“Theoretically, yes, but-”

“Why didn’t you tell me?!” Anya exclaims and gets on her feet to let some steam off. “You should’ve told me!”

“That wouldn’t have changed anything. Besides, normally it starts between sixteen and twenty. I didn’t think, it would break out so late.” She really didn’t. 

“You knew? Since when?”

“Since I was fifteen.”

Anya stares at her sister in utter disbelief until realization hits her. “That’s why.”

“Why what?”

“Why you wouldn’t safe money. Why you never postponed anything. Why you bought that damn expensive motorcycle. You thought, you’d die before you get to be twenty. That’s why you made that deal with Clarke.”

Lexa nods. “Yeah.” She wanted to live her short life at its fullest – without regrets, but without hurting the people she cares about too. 

Nevertheless, she set a date in the future for herself on the day she turned twenty. And when she would pass that date without any signs of her sickness, she swore herself, she would ask Clarke out. That’s why she chose twenty-four. She thought, she’d be save then.

But life doesn’t work that way.

Anya slowly sinks back to the floor. “You found out after your date, didn’t you? That’s why you didn’t say yes, when she asked you to be her girlfriend.” 

“Yes. I found out the same day.”

Anya sighs deeply. It’s a lot to take in. 

“Lex, I’m-”

“Don’t. Don’t say you’re sorry. It is the way it is. Death is not the end, Anya.”

“What? You’re religious now?” 

Lexa doesn’t miss the sarcastic undertone in her sister’s voice, but she accepts it. The bitterness, the questions, the pain – she’s been through it all. She made peace with it, as far as possible. And yes, she wants to believe in an afterlife, because everything else scares the shit out of her. 

That doesn’t change, how she feels about Clarke and her leaving, but she knows, it’s the right thing to do. 

“Why didn’t you tell her?” 

“I don’t want her to pause her life. You know she would do that. She needs to live her life without this burden. It’s not hers to carry.” 

Anya shakes her head. “You’re selfish, Lexa.” 

“I'm doing what’s best for her.”

“And you get to decide what’s best for her, yeah? For her and for anybody else? You’re full of shit.”

Lexa sighs. She doesn’t want to fight. “I made up my mind about this. I need you to respect that. And I need you to keep this to yourself. Nobody can know about this. Promise me.” 

Anya clenches her jaw. “You’re stupid.” 

“Promise me.”

“You think, you can keep this a secret?” Her sister asks.

“Anya, listen, I-”

“No. You listen to me, squirt. I came here to comfort you and to kick your ass, after you’ve just ruined the best thing that ever happened to you. That's one thing. I have your back on this. But then I have to learn that my little sister is going to die within the next year. Do you have any idea, how that makes me feel?” Anya exclaims, tears of desperation welling in her eyes.

Anya’s raised voice makes Lexa feel guilty. Her sister has every right to be angry. That’s one of the many reasons, why she kept this a secret for so long.

“But I can’t tell anyone about this, because you don’t want to be a burden?” Anya continues, her eyes glaring at her sister. “Have you thought about what burden you're placing on my shoulders? How am I supposed to keep this from Ray? Have you thought about that? And have you even thought about what it will do to your friends? How it will tear them apart, when you die?” 

Not everything she says, is connected to Lexa's request. The brunette knows that and she hates doing this to her sister. 

She swallows. “I have. But I made this choice with my head, not my heart.”

Anya shakes her head in utter disbelief. She’s too angry to say anything else, that’s why she gets up wordlessly. She slams the door shut on her way out. 

Lexa sighs and after a few minutes of staring into the great nothing, she grabs to bottle of whisky and moves to the couch. She can’t bear to sleep in her bed, not when she shared it with Clarke the night before. 

 

…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yup. I did that.  
> I'll go hide somewhere now...  
> Remember, you're amazing! Thank you for reading, commenting and everything <3 Don't hate me.


	10. everything’s changing now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys :)  
> sorry for not uploading earlier. I totally forgot.  
> After the ****, there's a change of POV :) AND: at the moment it looks like I'll be staying with 14 chapters :)
> 
> But here it is! hope you like it! 
> 
> Love,  
> LJT.  
> \---

...

####  Present. 

Time. 

Seemingly endless and yet never enough.

That’s what Lexa thinks about, as she prepares herself for what’s to come. 

For the last months, she tried to continue with her life as if nothing happened. She kept her routines and everything. 

Within a week, Anya knew more about Lexa’s disease than Lexa herself. Suddenly she had company to all her visits to the doctors. She was okay with that. For the greatest part. 

Anya made her join a support-group, too. At first she thought, it was dumb. She made peace with her situation, she didn’t need to talk about it with a bunch of strangers. But she didn’t expect it to be so… emotional. During the first sessions, she didn’t say a word. Listening to kids talking about their deaths isn’t exactly encouraging. 

Then she met a girl. No, not like that. 

Costia was nineteen and she had reached the final stage. But nevertheless, she lived her life at it’s fullest. Whenever Lexa visited her at the hospital, there were friends laughing and joking with the young girl like she wasn’t about to die soon. 

She remembers the last conversation she had with her.

_“I’m going to die, yeah. But they deserve it. They deserve to enjoy the last moments with me as much as I do.”_

_“Don’t you think, that’s cruel?”_

_“Is it cruel to share the pain? To talk about your fears? Is it cruel to give them all you can, before you go? I don’t think so.”_

_“I can’t do that.”_

_“I thought the same for a while, but then I fell in love with Echo and she said, she’d rather have one year with me than nothing at all. It’s up to them if they want to stay. But you should at least give them the opportunity to decide.”_

That was two weeks ago. 

Costia fell into a coma the next day and one week later she was gone. Just like that. 

Within a few weeks Costia became a close friend and Lexa learned a lot from her. She thought, she had made peace with her disease, but the truth was: she hadn’t. How could she? She just shoved it into the back of her mind.

It was strange without Costia, especially since she was the only one Lexa could talk to freely about the disease and death and everything else. Yes, she could talk to Anya, but she didn’t want to burden her more than she already did.

Lexa has never been to a funeral before, but she wasn’t keen on it either. 

Costia had her own ideas for her funeral. Everyone should wear something colorful and relaxed instead of black. _“What’s the use in buying something you’re never going to wear again?” She had said._ They should tell funny stories and sing her favorite songs. Lexa picked a red t-shirt that Costia liked. She bought sunflowers. They celebrate her life, just like Costia wanted them to. 

In the daylight, she couldn’t hide how skinny and pale she had gotten herself. The first symptoms showed two months ago and ever since, it had gotten worse.

It would get hard to keep up the façade around her friends soon enough and she was glad, that she didn’t have to do so today. Maybe that’s why it pains her even more, when Costia’s mother hugs her tightly, as she spots Lexa between the other mourners. Because she knows and she’s got that look in her eyes, saying: _you’re the next one._

It’s stupid. 

No. It’s not. 

\--

Lexa feels drained, when she returns to the empty apartment. 

According to her doctors, she’s got about eight months left before she ends like Costia. In a hospital bed. But she’s going to die alone, because she chose to. 

She thinks about Echo, Costia’s girlfriend. About Tristan and Ilian, about Sienna and Ontari. 

Then she thinks about Anya. About Raven, Octavia, Bellamy, Lincoln, Monty and Jasper. She shut them out months ago and the only one she sees regularly, is Anya, because she refuses to leave. She thinks of Clarke. About the moments they shared last night, about her smile and what she will look like at Lexa’s funeral. All of it breaks her heart, that’s why she’s still keeping it to herself. 

She is selfish. And egoistic. She knows that. But the truth is, she’s fucking scared of dying. Hell, she’s too young to die! 

Yeah, maybe she should keep her hopes up. There’s a tiny chance that they’ll find a donor for her. But it’s highly unlikely. It’s a one-in-a-million-chance. 

So today she allows herself to bury herself in her bed and to cry about the unfairness of life all night. 

\--- 

“Why didn’t you tell me about Costia? I could’ve gone with you.” Anya’s voice is comforting, but that’s what makes it harder to try shutting her out. 

Maybe she should let her sister in. But letting her in would mean accepting the unacceptable.

“I wanted to do it alone.” She says stubbornly. 

Lexa hasn’t moved from her bed since she returned home. Now it’s early Sunday morning and Anya has let herself in with the emergency key, after Lexa hasn’t answered her phone. 

“Why do you keep pushing me away? There’s no use. I won’t leave you, Lex, no matter how hard you try.” 

“I know.”

“You should tell the others, too. They’ve been asking about you, you know? Raven’s suspicious. She even asked me, if I was seeing someone else.”

Lexa finally turns her head around, facing her sister. She doesn’t want to cause her more problems. “Really?”

“Yes. She doesn’t believe me that I'm spending all my free time with my stupid little sister. And Lincoln asked me, if it’s true that you quitted your job.”

A deep sigh. “I hated that job.”

She always did. But when Costia died last week, she finally understood that her life had a timer on it. And her time is running out.

“I know you did.”

“I don’t want to spend my last months working with people I hate.” 

“Don’t talk like that. There’s still hope.”

She’s too tired to argue. “What did you tell him?”

“I said yes. I told you, I wouldn’t lie for you.”

“I have to tell them.”

Anya nods. “Yeah, you do, squirt.”

“Stop calling me that. You’re shorter than I am.”

“I’ll never stop. Learn to live with it.”

Another sigh, this time one of resignation. “I just… I can’t do it. Telling them makes it… real. Unavoidable. They’ll look at me with pity in their eyes and I can’t…” Lexa closes her eyes as they begin to water. It’s the first time, she’s crying about her fate when her sister is around.

Anya’s fingers run soothingly through her hair. She knew that Lexa would reach this point. She knew it and she was waiting for it to happen. “I’ll be with you.” 

The truth can’t be denied any longer, since the first symptoms are starting to show. Lexa knows that. 

“You can tell Ray about it. I don’t want this to be a burden on your relationship.”

For a while, it’s silent between the sisters. They’ve gotten closer during the last months and they find comfort in each other’s company.

“She’s dead, Anya.” Lexa whispers quietly, as she snuggles closer to her sister, seeking for warmth and comfort. “Costia is dead. She was only nineteen. That’s not fair.” 

“And you’re only twenty-five.” 

“I slept with Clarke Friday night.” 

“Oh.”

“We met at Grounders and… we pretended to be strangers. Just for a night, you know? It was…” Lexa pauses, looking for the right word. “Beautiful.”

“Ehh.” Anya says in disgust. “I don’t want to hear that.”

Lexa rolls her eyes and chuckles weakly at her sister’s poor attempt to make her laugh. “Not like that. I just… I realized that she holds my heart. She always will, no matter if I make it or not. And while I was with her, I wasn’t scared for a while. That felt… peaceful.”

“You should tell her.” 

“I know.”

 

*********************************

 

“I'm worried about Clarke.” Raven says quietly, as she unpacks the takeout that Anya brought home the same night.

Sunday night is takeout-night, just the two of them. It’s the only routine the two strong-headed and free-spirited women allow themselves and this way it’s oddly comforting. Anya secretly loves this day, but she can’t tell Raven that, because the Latina would roll her eyes at her and call her out on being such a sap. 

“Why? I thought, she was doing better?” 

“She’s closing herself off. She barely talks to me anymore. From Bell I heard that she hasn’t been painting at all and she’s doing double shifts at his coffeeshop. She doesn’t sleep around and drink anymore, but she’s become this hollow version of herself. You should hear, how she talks about herself. It’s scary.”

“You miss her.”

The Latina nods. “Yeah, damn right I do.” She watches her girlfriend from the corner of her eyes, before she decides to ask. “Where have you been all day?”

Anya sighs. “I was with Lexa.”

“I'm really not the jealous kind of girl, but you’ve been acting weird for a while now. You’re keeping something from me, aren’t you?”

“Lexa made me promise not to tell anyone. Now I’ve got her permission, but you’re going to get angry when I tell you, so I suggest we eat first. Because I paid a lot of money for this dinner and I don’t want to throw it away.”

“Anya.” Raven scolds. “Tell me.”

Anya rubs her face, before she exhales audible. 

She hates saying it. Hell, she hates thinking about it and still it’s all she’s thinking about recently.

Still she faces her girlfriend.

“Lexa is sick.” She finally speaks. “She’s got a rare blood disease and if she doesn’t get a transplantation within the next few months, she’ll die.”

Raven blinks a few times, trying to process her girlfriend’s words. “What?”

She tried. She tried to keep her hopes up, she really did. But it’s hard. And now, that she finally gets to share it with someone, she can feel her own breakdown rushing over her body. 

Tears spill from her eyes and she sinks into Raven’s arms before she knows it. “My little sister is going to die. And it feels like… like I'm the only one fighting. It’s like she doesn’t even try! Hell, Ray, she’s going to die and I can’t do anything about it!” 

“I’m sorry, baby. God, I'm… I'm so sorry.” Raven tries her best to comfort her girlfriend, she really does. But she’s shook to the core. She feared the worst when Anya closed herself off more and more – and yet she didn’t think about the worst. 

...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> Thoughts? <3


	11. acceptance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys :)  
> This time, there'll be both POV's. First Lexa, then Clarke after the ****.
> 
> hope you like it! <3

...

####  One month later. 

The following month, Lexa begins to change her routine. 

It starts with something simple. Instead of hiding in her apartment, she meets with Echo once a week for a coffee or dinner. They talk about all kinds of things, but mostly about Costia. Echo changes Lexa’s point of view in many different ways. 

Mostly, she starts to cherish the time she has left and the people around her.

She still hasn’t told anyone else, but it’s only a matter of time now. She’s starting to actually look sick. She feels this way even longer, but no makeup in the world can cover up the bags under her eyes anymore.

Raven has visited her one day after Anya told her about Lexa’s disease. She expected that. What she didn’t expect was the way Raven interacted. She didn’t shout nor made she sarcastic comments nor did she say something like “Nothing kills a Woods!”. 

No. 

Raven had just wrapped her arms around her and she hadn’t said a word for at least ten minutes, before she let go. Lexa still isn’t sure, whether the girl did it for her or for herself, but since that moment Raven has been checking in on her at least once a day. They’ve slowly rekindled their friendship and Lexa started to feel at ease around her and her sister. 

She also started going to Bellamy’s coffeeshop nearly every day. She sits in a corner by the window and reads a book. She hasn’t read in years, but she found out a lot of things about herself.

Mostly, she goes because of Clarke, but for the first days she doesn’t know that. They don’t talk except for Lexa’s order, but on the third day the blonde smiles at her and that’s when Lexa knows, why she’s going there. It’s a weak smile, but it’s honest and Lexa needs that to build up enough courage to tell her. 

Last weekend she did a tour with her motorcycle. It was a farewell for her, because she doesn’t feel safe on the machine anymore and she’s too logical to keep that thing in the garage, when no one uses it any longer.

On Tuesday, she sells it to a guy named Roan. He seems nice and he’ll treat the machine with love. That’s all she needs, though it’s hard to part from it. But it feels like this part of her life is already gone.

 

*********************************

 

Lexa doesn’t notice that Clarke has been watching the exchange from the beginning. 

Sometimes they both forget, how well they know each other. Living with someone for six years does that to people but being separated for a few months can feel like a lifetime, too.

Of course Clarke worries, when she sees that Lexa sells her motorcycle. Lexa loves that machine. _“It’s cheap and you always find a parking lot.” Lexa had once said. “What’s not to love about it?”_ It holds a lot of history, because it’s one of the first things, the brunette had bought after turning eighteen.

Clarke had also noticed, how thin the brunette had gotten – how could she not? She looks pale and skinny and she never finishes the muffin she buys every day. Lexa could eat for two, but this version of her? 

Something isn’t right. 

The blonde knows that Lexa had quit her job, too. She heard Lincoln and Anya talk about it a few weeks ago. 

No, she wasn’t eavesdropping. 

Of course she was.

After selling the motorcycle, Lexa reenters the coffeeshop and orders a coffee. She doesn’t look Clarke in the eye, while she waits – in fact she barely does. She just pours lots of sugar into the cup and hides in her usual corner behind a book. Later she’ll get her chocolate chip muffin (and Clarke always makes sure she still has one when Lexa asks for it).

Clarke stays behind the counter for the rest of the day, but she watches the green-eyed woman.

She’s not sure, why Lexa suddenly decided to spend all of her time there. She’s been coming here for a few weeks (four to be exact, since the weekend they hooked up, she just doesn’t want to seem obsessed), but she never stayed that long.

Secretly, she’s happy. She’s happy, because she starts doodling on napkins and paper cups whenever the other girl is around, and she hasn’t even drawn a stick figure in months. She’s happy, because she knows that Lexa is the reason. It’s stupid, but she can’t help it.

-

It’s almost closing time, when she decides to talk to her. Okay, it’s not really a decision – more like an impulse. So she walks over to Lexa’s table.

“You sold your bike?” 

_So much for starting off easy._ She mentally curses herself.

Lexa seems a bit startled, but she looks up from her book. “Yeah, I did.”

“Can I ask, why?”

Green eyes bore into blue ones and long quiet seconds follow, before she finally speaks. “It felt right.” 

Clarke doesn’t know what else to say. That’s basically the first real conversation in the last eight months, if you leave out the night they pretended to be strangers. 

She hates, how Lexa still makes her heart beat faster, but she hates even more that she misses the brunette every day. She hates that her heart craves for the other girl and that it feels like it’s always going to be this way. 

“I should… probably go. You’re closing, right?”

“Yeah, but I’ve got to do a little more cleaning and stuff. You can stay, if you want.” 

Lexa smiles. “Okay. I’ll stay.”

\--

“Do you want me to walk you home?” 

Lexa’s question catches her a bit off guard, but she manages to hide my surprise. “I’d like that, yeah. The dark-”

“Is scary.” Lexa finishes her thought. “Yeah, I know.”

They turn left at the next corner, while keeping a small distance between them. Clarke’s apartment is just a couple of blocks from here, maybe fifteen minutes from Lexa’s. But the other girl will need to all a cab. Clarke feels a bit guilty about that, but she’s too happy to spend some time with brunette. Even if it’s awkward.

“How have you been?” Clarke asks, mentally cursing herself the second the question was out. “Ah shit. That sounded awful. Sorry.”

Lexa chuckles. It’s the most adorable sound in the world. “I'm doing okay. What about you?”

“I'm okay, too.” Clarke stare at the asphalt, as they continue walking. “I… I miss you.”

“I miss you, too.” She answers without hesitation. 

“Do you think we can be friends again? Someday?”

Lexa swallows. “I’d say, everything’s possible.” 

It’s not a yes. But it’s not a no either. And Clarke’s heart skips a beat, when Lexa smiles at her again. _Friends. Haha. You’re stupid, Griffin._

They reach Clarke’s apartment building a few minutes later. 

“Do you… want to come up? We could watch a movie? Maybe? If you want?”

Lexa looks at her watch. “I need to get home. But I…” 

Clarke frowns, as she waits for Lexa to finish her sentence. 

She doesn’t finish it. Instead she reaches for her head, before shaking it slightly, as if she’s feeling dizzy.

“Lex?”

“Just… give me a second.”

When Lexa starts to stagger a bit, Clarke grabs her shoulders. “Okay, you are definitely going upstairs with me.”

“No, I'm fine, really. Just a little… dizzy.”

“You are not fine. Let me help you.”

Clarke buries her worry beneath her instinct. She helps Lexa inside and they take the elevator up to Clarke’s floor. 

Lexa is leaning more on Clarke than she would like to admit.

The apartment is dark and Clarke struggles for a moment to switch on the lights. 

Slowly she accompanies Lexa to the couch. “Here, sit. I’ll get you some water.”

Clarke rushes to the kitchen, while Lexa sits down. 

_She hasn’t been eating more than half a muffin all day. Hypoglycemia. That’s it. She’s fine._

She’s not.

As she returns to the living room with a glass of water, she learns that it’s not hypoglycemia. “Holy shit, your nose is bleeding!” Clarke exclaims, running the last few steps to the couch when she sees the blood. She doesn’t care about spilled water. 

Lexa has already grabbed some tissues and she waves her off. “It’s fine. It’ll pass soon. See? It’s almost over. I’m fine.” 

Clarke frowns.

The brunette doesn’t seem to be surprised. She acts too casual. Something is wrong, she can feel it and the longer she looks into the green eyes she loves so much, the more scared she gets. 

Without asking, she rests her hand against Lexa’s forehead. The other girl has got a fever. 

“You’re burning up.” She states the obvious. 

“It’s just a cold.”

She shakes her head. “Tell me the truth.”

“Clarke, really, it’s-”

“You’ve got a fever. You’ve got a nosebleed. You’re whiter than the wall behind you. You’re barely eating. You quit your job and you sold your motorcycle.” She lists all the things she observed, while her heart clenches in fear. 

Lexa holds her gaze. 

“Tell me, it’s not what I think it is. Please, Lex.”

That’s when Lexa sighs and this sound alone breaks Clarke’s heart, but the following words hurt even more. “I can’t.”

Clarke feels as if something was tightening around her throat. 

_No. This can’t happen._

But Lexa confirms her worst fears a second later. “I'm sick, Clarke.”

And with just a few words, Clarke's world stops spinning.

...


	12. I'm sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're almost there :)
> 
> Thank you for all the kudos and comments!  
> Hope you like this one, too!
> 
> Love,  
> LJT.  
> \---

...

She’s got no choice. It’s not how she wanted to tell the blonde, but it’s killing her to keep this a secret any longer and Clarke already has suspicions. 

But damn. It's hard.

„I’m sick, Clarke.” Lexa says quietly and she hates how the expression in those blue eyes changes right in front of her. It’s breaking her own heart, but she’s got no other option and maybe that’s the cruelest part. “If I don’t get a transplant, I’m going to die.” 

She expected the tears. 

What she didn’t expect was that Clarke would hit her. 

But she does. After a few silent seconds, the blonde’s eyes water with tears and then she starts punching Lexa’s shoulder out of desperation, followed by loud and pain wrecked sobs. 

Lexa wraps her arms around Clarke, despite the other girl’s efforts to break free. “I’m sorry.” She whispers into blonde hair. “I’m so sorry, Clarke.”

Finally, the other girl gives in and stops fighting. Lexa holds her, while she cries, drawing soothing patterns on her back. 

If she thought, receiving the news herself was the worst moment of her life, she’s wrong. This is the worst moment of her life. Telling the woman she loves. Telling Clarke.

-

“How… how long have you known?” Clarke mumbles into her neck a while later. Her hands are clinging to Lexa’s t-shirt as if she was afraid the brunette would dissolve in her arms, if she didn’t hold her. 

“About a year.” 

“A year?! You kept this to yourself for a year?!”

“I didn’t want to be a burden.”

Clarke punches Lexa again, but without letting her go. “You’re an asshole!”

“I know.”

“How could you keep this from me?!”

“I'm sorry. I thought it was the best for everyone.”

“How… how long…?”

 _She’s braver than I am,_ Lexa thinks bitterly. 

“How long I have?” 

Clarke nods, unable to fight the tears.

“About six months, if I don’t get the transplantation. Which is highly unlikely.” She needs to add that, because hope is the worst thing. 

The blonde takes a sharp breath, Lexa can feel it on her skin. “You can’t leave me.”

“I'm sorry.”

“I love you.” Clarke says stubbornly into Lexa’s neck. 

“I know.” The brunette smiles sadly. “And I love you. So much. That’s why I didn’t tell you.”

Clarke pulls back a bit to stare into green eyes. “You love me?” She asks unbelieving. Her eyes are glistening with tears, but beaming with so much love, that it breaks the Lexa’s heart all over again. Because she probably won’t be able to give her the happy ever after ending she deserves. 

She wants to. God, she’s never wanted anything so bad in her life. 

Lexa wipes the tear tracks from Clarke’s cheeks with her thumb, before she presses a kiss to the blonde’s forehead. “Of course I do. I love you. I love you so much.” She whispers.

Clarke wraps her arms around Lexa again. “I'm not letting you die. That’s not going to happen. I’ll kill you, if you leave me.”

Lexa chuckles weakly. “I fear that’s not your decision to make.” 

For a while they just hold each other close, listening to the other girl’s heartbeat, which suddenly seems loud in the heavy silence around them.

Lexa doesn’t know, if she’s strong enough to stay away from Clarke. She’s still unsure, whether staying isn’t more selfish than keeping her distance would be, but right now all she needs is to be held by the woman she loves. So she shoves this talk into the back of her mind for as long as she can. 

\---

“How are you doing? Do you feel better?”

It’s two a.m. by now and the two of them have moved into a more comfortable position on the couch, which left Clarke being the little spoon. Lexa is running her hand up and down Clarke’s arm, trying to soothe her. 

“I'm okay.” Lexa answers. She’s far from it, but she doesn’t want to tell Clarke. At least not today. 

“How can be this… calm? I mean, you’re…” Clarke pauses to wipe her face. “I can’t even say it without starting to cry.” 

Lexa had explained everything Clarke needs to know during the past hours - the transplant, the chances, the symptoms. They’ve both cried a lot. 

Lexa shrugs. “I’ve known for a while. I got more time than anybody else ever did with this diagnosis. I’ve made my peace with it. I mean, yeah, there is still hope. I’ve got six months on that transplant list. Maybe I get lucky, who knows.” 

“I’ll be by your side.” 

“No.” She shakes her head. “I can’t ask for that.”

Clarke turns around to face Lexa. Now their faces are barely an inch apart. “You’re not asking, I'm telling you.” 

Lexa searches for any hints of insecurity or doubt in Clarke’s eyes, but she finds none. The blonde has already made up her mind and Lexa knows better than to argue. And secretly, she’s relieved that she doesn’t have to walk this road alone. 

“I'm not leaving you.” Clarke adds. “This is our fight and we’ll win this, okay?”

Lexa can’t help but smile. It’s a sad one, but it’s a smile. “I’ll try my best.”

“Good.” 

They stare into each other’s eyes. It’s just the two of them and as long as they have each other, it’s like the world outside of this safe little bubble doesn’t exist. 

It’s Lexa, who leans in to kiss Clarke. She kisses her, because that’s all she needs in her life. If she’s going to die, then she’ll die with the woman she loves holding her hand. 

...


	13. I surrender.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys :)  
> We're almost there!   
> The chapter title refers to song used in a fan-video I found on youtube about a year ago. It's from Aron Wright and it's my personal Clexa song now. And the fan-video is great! You can check it out here, if you want: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0hHN5imJZgI&t=0s&list=PLw3FXUozGcwYi9foNrWzOEeBY0s2QVR2M&index=5
> 
> The final chapter will be up tomorrow :)
> 
> Hope you like it,   
> Love,   
> LJT.  
> \---

...

 

Clarke moves back in with Lexa two days later. They go back to their routine, but this time they call each other girlfriends and they share one bed every night. They go out for dinner, they leave town for the weekends and they spend every minute they can with each other. 

While Clarke works, Lexa sits in her usual corner in the coffeeshop, but this time they share smiles as often as possible. 

During the first two months nothing really changes. Most of the time, they get to pretend that everything’s great. They are happy. 

During the third month, Lexa tries to hide the pain. Clarke notices of course, but she doesn’t say anything. She just knows and helps, whenever she can.

In the middle of the fourth, it’s the first time that Clarke drives her to the hospital. 

At the beginning of the fifth month Lexa’s daily medication is so highly dosed, that it knocks her out for hours. She tries to talk Clarke into letting her stay at home, but there’s no use anymore. She’s too sick by now. 

\---

####  Five months later. 

The day, when Lexa stays in hospital for the first night, that’s when Clarke breaks down for the first time. 

The apartment is empty, when she returns home alone and the feeling just overwhelms her. 

She calls Raven and twenty minutes later her best friend is there to comfort her. 

“I can’t… I tried to push these thoughts away, to stay strong for her, but… What if she doesn’t make it, Ray? What am I supposed to do without her?”

Raven shrugs with tears in her eyes. “I don’t know, sweetie.”

“These few months with her… they’re not enough. They’re not enough time!” Clarke sobs into Raven’s shoulder. “I need more time. She needs more!” 

Raven doesn’t say anything. What should she say? _She’ll make it, Clarke? She’s strong? They’ll find a donor?_ No. Raven Reyes is too realistic.

\---

“We need to talk about it.” Lexa says two weeks later. 

She’s not dumb. According to her doctors, she’s got about a month left, maybe one and a half. If they don’t find a donor within the next two weeks, her organs will be damaged permanently. 

Clarke shakes her head. “No.”

“Clarke. We need to.”

“No. I'm not talking about it.” 

“Fine, let me talk.”

Clarke gets up, her blue eyes burn with desperation. “I'm not going to listen to you saying things about you dying!” She exclaims angrily. “You’re not going to die. They’ll find a donor and you’ll be cured and we’ll grow old together. You’ll have to buy your bike back and we’ll get a dog or a cat or both. And some day, we’ll move into this house that you’ve been talking about.”

Lexa’s eyes water with tears while she listens to the blonde’s speech. She doesn’t cry because she won’t have all that. She cries, because Clarke still has hope and that’s so… typical Clarke. Always fighting, always trying to find a solution. 

“We’ll have it all.” Clarke finishes, not even bothering with wiping her wet cheeks. 

Lexa is too weak to sit up alone, but she pushes a button and the head end of the bed moves up a little. “Clarke. Listen to me.” She says as softly as possible, while she reaches out her hand.

Whenever she does that, the blonde yields and takes it. This time, too. 

“Lex, I can’t.”

“You can and you will.” She tells her firmly. “Yes, there’s still a little hope. But I need you to hear this, just in case. I love you. I’ll always love you, even when I'm no longer able to do so. You’re strong. If I die, you’ll be able to pull through it, I know it.”

She doesn’t know, how she manages to keep her voice that strong and determined, but she does and she’s grateful for it. She has prepared this speech a while ago and she had hoped, she’d never need it. 

During the last months, she had found hope. She had found a will to live, a reason to fight. So of course she had avoided this talk for as long as she could. 

“Lex-”

“I want you to live, Clarke.” She continues and ignores Clarke’s interruption without hesitating once. “I want you to find love again and to be happy. Don’t look back. I want you to live a life unburdened by your past. I want you to fulfil your dreams and to believe in yourself the way I do. Promise me that.” 

Clarke shakes her head with tears streaming down her beautiful face. She looks so desperate that Lexa starts crying too. 

“Promise me.” She repeats with trembling lips. 

“You can’t ask that of me.” Clarke answers in a broken voice. “I don’t want anybody else. I just want _you_.”

Lexa smiles weakly and she wipes the blonde’s tears with her thumb. “I know you do. But you still have to promise me. Please. I'm not going to ask for anything else.” 

Clarke stares into Lexa’s eyes for a little eternity. Maybe for minutes, maybe for hours, it doesn’t matter. 

Until she finally surrenders. “I promise you.” 

*****************************************

It’s late afternoon the same day. Clarke is sitting in front of Lexa’s room on the floor, legs pulled up and her head resting on her arms. 

Lexa is sleeping and Clarke is grateful for that. 

It’s getting harder and harder to hope and to fight. She’s never felt more helpless in her life. She is forced to watch the woman she loves getting weaker every day, unable to do anything. 

And the time is running out. 

“She’s strong.” A voice startles her. 

She looks up to see a fierce looking brunette walking up to her. 

“Yeah. But strength won’t be enough. It won’t buy her enough time.” Clarke answers, her voice heavy and quiet, weighing with defeat. 

“I'm Echo.” The woman says, reaching out her hands, after she has sat down next to Clarke. 

“Clarke.” 

“I know, yeah. I'm glad that she got around and told you.” 

Clarke frowns. 

“We… had a common friend. I… I was in your shoes a few months ago.” Echo explains and that’s when everything falls into place in Clarke’s head. 

Lexa has talked about that girl. A friend of hers, who suffered from the same disease.

“Costia?” 

Echo nods. 

“I'm sorry.”

“I am too.” 

They sit in silence for a while. 

Clarke hesitates a few long seconds, before she asks. “How… how did you…?”

“How I managed to watch her getting weaker every day and die in the end?” Echo finishes the question. 

_Wow, that’s direct._

Clarke nods. 

“I didn’t.” Echo answers bluntly. “I just… did everything I could for her.”

“How could you even get up in the morning? I feel like I'm losing my mind, I… I can’t… I can’t do this without her.” 

Echo pulls her into her arms. “You’re not alone with this. You might feel like you are, but you aren’t, okay? We’re all here and we’ll fight this with you for as long as we can.” 

Clarke nods against the foreign and yet familiar shoulder. 

“I saw the video you did for her on twitter. It’s spreading like a wildfire through social media. It’s a great idea.” Echo tells her with a sad smile Clarke can’t see. 

“It still feels like I’m not doing anything.” Clarke insists, taking comfort in the other woman’s embrace, even though she doesn’t know her. But they share the same fate. 

“You’re doing everything you can.”

 

\---

 

Lexa promised her to not die tonight, so she’s at Anya’s and Raven’s house for dinner. She hasn’t had a good meal in a few days now, because all she does is running between her apartment and the hospital. 

They’re halfway through the desert, when the call comes. 

“Miss Griffin?”

“Yes?”

“It’s Dr. Kane. I'm calling about Lexa.” 

Clarke’s heart stops. 

…


	14. Lexa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys :)
> 
> What an experience to write this! Thank you for all the kind comments <3 I've never shown anyone my stories (except my Mom, but that doesn't really count), so uploading here was a huge step. But writing is my life and I hope, that someday I'll see one of my original stories in a bookstore.   
> I'm sorry for any mistakes, English isn't my first language :)
> 
> About this one - I hope you like it! I planned another ending at first, but a recent event made me change a few things.   
> Let me know what you think? <3
> 
> Love,   
> LJT.

…

_Blue eyes welling with tears stare into the camera._

_“My name is Clarke Griffin. I’m twenty-four years old and I’m an artist. Let me tell you a story.” She starts slowly and swallows her tears._

_God, that’s harder than she thought it would be._

_“Twenty-five years ago, on April 7th, a woman left her baby by the firehouse in Polis. It was little girl, barely a week old. This little girl grew up to be good person. A great friend. A hardworking, caring woman with a big heart and a beautiful smile. I can’t remember when I fell in love with her, but… she’s my light. My life. I always thought this kind of love was a cliché, a fairytale. Something to make life easier.” She pauses again, while she thinks of the short time she and Lexa had gotten to be happy, before she looks back at the camera. She’d do it all over again – a thousand times._

_That’s why she’s doing this._

_“It’s not. Everything they say about love is true. She’s… my entire world and I’d do anything for her. But she suffers from a rare genetic disease. She’s running out of time and I… I can’t do anything about it. I’ve never felt more helpless in my life. It’s up to you out there to save her life. I beg you. Please, save her. She’s everything to me.”_

******************************************************

####  Three months later. 

“Are we really doing this?” Clarke asks quietly. “A little melodramatic, don’t you think?”

“Melodramatic?” Lexa laughs. The blonde’s expression is too cute. “This whole thing was your idea! ” 

“It was, yeah. I just… I guess, I'm nervous.”

A day after she posted the video, hundreds of people all over the country volunteered to get tested. The compassion was simply overwhelming. 

Polis hospital was struggling, too, that’s why they even had to outsource a part of the testing. But within three more days they found a suitable donor – not just for Lexa but for eight other people as well and they hadn’t even registered all the volunteers yet. 

One of the other people who got a second chance is Luna, a seventeen-year-old girl from Lexa’s support group. 

A few weeks later Lexa was released from the hospital and she was recovering well. 

They still can’t wrap their heads around it, but they’ve never been happier. Everything’s… carefree now. It’s not just a second chance for Lexa – but one for Clarke too.

That’s why they’re doing this.

“You ready?” Raven asks, as she readjusts the camera. 

“Yeah, we’re ready.” Lexa says. 

“Yup.”

“Okay. Three, two, one…” Raven nods. 

And then Lexa starts to speak. “Hey. My name is Lexa Woods. Three months ago my girlfriend Clarke posted a video, asking for your help to save my life.” The two women share a smile. “You did. I am here today because of you. I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you to everyone out there, who volunteered. Thank you to the one who saved my life. I got a second chance and so far, eight more people got one, too.” She pauses, looking at Clarke next to her, while she intertwines their fingers with a wide smile. 

This woman next to her is all she needs, all she wants. She owes her her life and because of that she chooses her next words carefully. 

“When you get that diagnosis, your whole life changes. Everything gets turned upside down. But everything around you gets so much clearer, too. It’s easy to distinguish the important things from the unimportant.” She says and while she speaks, her eyes keep locked onto the camera. 

There’s so much she could say about life and death now, about her hopes and wishes for the future. But that’s not what matters. Not anymore. She learned it the hard way, but now she wouldn’t want to have it any other way. Not, when she ended up being so lucky. 

That’s why she throws away the cards with her notes and key points. She doesn’t see the confusion on Clarke’s face, who’s surprised by Lexa’s change of plans. That’s very unlikely for the brunette and both woman know it. 

“The point is, I’ve wasted precious time. But I'm not going to waste another day. That’s why we’ll go on a journey to see all the places we’ve been talking about.” Lexa looks at the blonde next to her with a wide smile.

Clarke smiles, too. 

They’ve already booked their flight to Europe, they’re going to Rome first and then they’re heading to Paris. 

“But there’s one thing to do first.” Lexa continues, and then she steals another glance at the camera. No, not the camera. At Raven, who’s grinning widely. “Because I don’t want to take my girlfriend on that trip.” 

Clarke frowns and Lexa loves, no adores that look of confusion on the blonde’s face. It’s a mean thing to say and do, she knows that, but it’ll be worth it. 

She planned this for weeks and it’s been really hard to do so, because Clarke wouldn’t leave her side. Not that she ever wanted her too. 

“I’d like to take my fiancé, if she’ll have me.” Lexa finishes and takes the small blue box Raven hands her. 

Clarke’s eyes are wide and her hands cover her mouth, when Lexa sinks down on one knee in front of her, looking up at the girl she adores while she opens the box. 

A silver ring with a little diamond is revealed. Elegant and simple, just how Clarke loves it.

“Clarke Marie Griffin. I wouldn’t be here without you. I love you. You’re the light of my life. It’s as simple as that.” Lexa pauses to look into blue eyes glistening with tears. “I’d be the happiest woman on earth, if you’d become my forever and always. So I'm asking you now. Will you marry me?”

Clarke falls onto her knees too. She throws her arms around Lexa’s shoulders, crying and laughing at the same time. “Don’t ever scare me like that! I thought for a second, you’d break up with me!”

“Sorry.” Lexa chuckles. 

Clarke pulls back a bit, smiling. “Don’t be.” 

The blonde connects their lips. Even though they’ve kissed a thousand times and more, Lexa’s heart goes crazy every time. This is all she’ll ever need.

“So?” Raven asks in her usual impatient manner, breaking the two lovebirds apart. “Will you marry her, Griffin, or not?”

Green eyes meet blue ones. Lexa knows the answer, but it’s still great to hear it. Maybe the best feeling in the whole wide world. 

“Of course I’ll marry you.” Clarke answers. She captures Lexa’s lips in another soft and loving kiss, before Lexa slides the ring on Clarke’s finger. 

“I love you.” Lexa whispers. “Thank you for saving my life.”

“I love you, too. Thank you for fighting.” 

“Always.”

Both smile like idiots. 

Idiots in love. 

...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have a great day :)


End file.
